Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
