got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
