I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
