I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Is it penis luge time yet?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
