i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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