She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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