No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
