you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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