My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
