last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
