I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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