Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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