Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she peed on how many people?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
