the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize