I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
