i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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