You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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