Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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