Where did you get a picture of my penis
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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