I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
