im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Congratulations! We have a period
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
