Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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