I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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