My nipple is on Facebook.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
