all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
