So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
