This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
