Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
