The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
