The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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