My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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