i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
