I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
