The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
