Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
