Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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