i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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