So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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