you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
