Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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