I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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