I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
