Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
this is an emotional support booty call
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
