He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
