i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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