sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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