you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize