Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
