I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
