it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Little spoons don't ask big questions
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize