Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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