I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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