He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
