I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
