i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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