Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I am available for nakedness
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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