she was so not down for the gang bang
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Even my vagina gasped.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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