Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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