i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
