So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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