My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
